My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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