i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
