he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
