I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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