I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
