The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
