My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
