I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
