I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
