I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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