if you like me you must not know who I am
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
