The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
