No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
