Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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