your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i was born a porn star she said
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
