The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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