non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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