How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
