Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
