My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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