Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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