Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
