Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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