someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
