you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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