Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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