Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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