I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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