Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
there is glitter all over my balls
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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