he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If I die, sorry about rent.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
