I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
