I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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