i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
