we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
