i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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