I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
