Pregnant stripper...not hot.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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