My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
