I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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