I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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