May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
