I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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