you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize