I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
