this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
