chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
