no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
