i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
