3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
