"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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