My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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