dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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