I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
