I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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