Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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