Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
