you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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