I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
