that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
