Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I smell stomach acid.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
