There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The adults are the big ones right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize