I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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