someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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