I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
