kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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