If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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