i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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