Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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