I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
