woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She bit a glass in half.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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