The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
